I feel this is such an important topic that needs to be discussed. I’ve always been a size 8/10 in clothes and when I was pregnant I ate like a pig, I mean I never felt full. My bump was huge and I remember everyone around me constantly saying “oh you’ll bounce straight back after birth” but trust me this didn’t and still hasn’t happened 3 months on.

I don’t fit in any of my post pregnancy clothes and if I’m honest I still don’t now. I brought some jeans the other day and the only size I fit in was a 14, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a size 14 but I was just used to buying my jeans in a 10 and now I can’t even get a 10 over my thighs. 

I obsessed a lot over my size after giving birth, I’m two stone heavier than I was and that’s ok. You can’t expect to bounce straight back, ok some people do and fair play to you guys but for some of us it’s not as easy. Trying to lose this baby weight has been extremely difficult, I’ve cut all snacks out and I wear a waist trainer for 10 hours a day everyday and Im slowly seeing a change. 

I’m not the same person I was before having Hope, not just physically but mentally. I am a mom now and life is different but oh so wonderful. I’m keeping a positive mind set and trying to keep motivated in order to feel like me again. I love my stretch marks they don’t bother me at all Lewis is so sweet and tells me that “I’ve earned my stripes”. My stretch marks show how powerful my body was to carry another person for so long so they are something I’m proud of. Remember to love your body as that was once your baby’s home.

The best thing I have heard from other moms is “it took 9 months for your body to grow that perfect little human so give it time and have patients”.

This was me the month I conceived 

This was me at 40 weeks pregnant 

This was me a couple days after giving birth

And this is me now 3 months on. 

Give yourself time, I was so unhappy with how I looked in the picture above this one and put way too much stress on myself. My body had just the most amazing thing and it had only been a few days. 

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Bringing home a newborn

I’d like to start by talking about that car journey home. You know the one I mean, that very first time you’re in a moving vehicle with that tiny little newborn and all of a sudden being in the car is a super dangerous place. I sat in the back of the car with Hope on that journey and I can tell you know my eyes never left her, I was in pain and could barely stay awake, but there was no way I wasn’t going to keep an eye on her. 

That first ever drive from the hospital felt like it went on forever. A drive that usually takes around 20 minutes felt like it was hours long. Hope looked lost in her car seat, I was so paranoid that she would be cold I wrapped her in so many layers, a vest, sleep-suit, woolly hat, mittens and a thick woolly coat, all in which was big on her so you could only just see her face in the car seat. She slept the whole way home and with all the layers I couldn’t see her chest moving to tell if she was breathing so I just held my hand on her chest, just to be safe.

We arrived home at midnight, I was the most tired I had ever been in my whole entire life, oh and hungry! Lewis had snuggles with Hope as he wasn’t aloud to be with her in the hospital, while I sat and ate some toast! By the time I headed to bed it was around half 1/2 in the morning. I could have slept for a week but by 5am I was up and ready to see my baby girl again. It’s weird How your body literally just runs on empty. 

I still haven’t slept much since that first night, I hear every move she makes in the night, from turning her head to lifting her arm I hear it. I wake every hour (automatically) and check she’s breathing. I don’t even do it on purpose my body just does it without my control. 

Just take it all in, you’ll feel like a nervous wreck that first time you bring them home but it does get easier! I’d like to say that you manage to get some sleep too but I’d be lying sorry, lucky for us Hope has slept straight through the night since she was around 7 weeks old but I still struggle with my own sleep. Oh and when people tell you to nap when they do don’t always take notice, Hope has quick 10-20 minute power naps in the day and I like to have a cup of tea or flick through my phone as that’s time I get just to myself, spend that time how you want to not how anyone else tell you to!

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Mom must haves

As a first time mom I had no idea what was a good buy and what was pretty pointless, so I thought I’d share my must haves with you all!

First of has to be spritz for bits. Yes you read that right spritz for bits, it was literally my go to after birth. As you can imagine after you have pushed a human out of your lady parts it’s going to be a tad sore especially if you’re like me and had a bad tear. I sprayed this on to my pad about four times a day and it instantly took away the pain and made it easier for me to sit down. Not only that but by week three I was pretty much fully healed and I think it’s definitely to do with this spray! It is expensive but trust me when I say it’s worth it! 

Secondly would have to be the bouncer! I struggled for ages to be able to get 10 minutes to myself to have a wee or a bite to eat until finally the bouncer arrived in my life. Hope loves it, I sit her in her bouncer and place it in the kitchen whilst I get some stuff done and it’s worked, she can go for a good 20-30 minutes. I’m not sure if all bouncers work as well but the one I have is the infant - toddler fisher price bouncer and it’s just amazing! 

The jungle gym! This was pretty much the first thing we had for Hope that she enjoyed playing with and exploring, 12 weeks on and she can now roll to her side to look at the toys and grab, pull and hit all the toys that dangle from above. It has definitely helped her with her development.

Dummy clip. The amount of times Hope spits her dummy out and it hits the floor is ridiculous, having a dummy clip to attach to her clothes is so much easier and saves a lot of time re sterilising them, especially if you’re out and have no where you can sterilise them. 

Mam self sterilising bottles for on the go. I thought about which bottles I wanted to use for a long time, you’d think this would be a pretty straight forward decision but actually it’s really not. I looked at a lot of reviews and asked different moms what they would recommend and the one that kept coming out on top was the mam bottles. Now I’ve used them I totally see why, they are anti-colic bottles and self sterilising. So if your out and have used all your bottles and need to sterilise them just ping them in the microwave for 3 minutes and there you go, sterilised, couldn’t be any simpler than that. 

 Hey bear sensory on YouTube. This is possibly one of the strangest things I’ve ever watched, dancing fruit and veg to upbeat music but, Hope is mesmerised. I put her in her bouncer and whack on some hey bear and say hello to my nice hot cup of tea. Trust me you’ll want to YouTube this straight away! 

Child’s farm moisturiser. Ok so this for one smells so nice and helps Hopes skin from drying out. Not only that but it has worked wonders for cradle cap, Hopes been really lucky to be fair as she’s barely had any cradle cap, she gets the tiniest bit of the front of her forehead. Once she gets out the bath and dries off I put some child’s farm cream on her cradle cap patch and leave it to soak in over night and by the morning the cradle cap is no more! 

There are many other things I could probably add in but I’d be here for way too long! These are just the main things I’ve found useful so far. In a few months time once I have started weaning and Hope can sit up on her own I will write a new mom must haves! 

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Breastfeeding vs formula

It says it all in the title doesn’t it? Breastfeeding vs formula, why does it have to be such a big thing, the way in which we decide to feed our babies. 

Throughout most of my pregnancy I was unsure if I wanted to breastfeed and then as soon as Hope was born it’s all I wanted to do. It was like seeing her in this world for the first time made me want to do the best I can and from what everyone drills in to your head is breastfeeding is the best way.  

I tried breastfeeding from the moment Hope was born up until day 3 and it just wasn’t working. Hope wouldn’t latch and she kept getting really stressed and unsettled, I expressed my milk in to a bottle and she still wouldn’t take it so I thought let’s have a go at a bottle of formula. Wow she necked that milk in one go and she’s been the same ever since. I got really upset when breastfeeding didn’t work out, I felt like I had failed as a mom and that i wouldn’t have the same bond with Hope as moms that breastfed their babies. 

It’s a load of crap if I’m honest why should I feel bad for feeding my child something that makes her happy and content? Some of us don’t have the choice of whether to breastfeed or not and shouldn’t feel bad if we don’t breastfeed. My partner loves that we formula feed as he gets to experience it to and help out through the night. Oh and just to clarify the bond I have with Hope is just as strong as it would be if I breastfed it makes no difference at all. 

All I’m saying is it’s your baby, your choice! You want to breastfeed and do so successful good for you because it’s hard work! You want to formula feed your baby good for you because that’s also hard! Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you make for YOUR baby. 

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It’s ok to not be ok

It’s perfectly normal to not love every second of parenthood because my goodness you’re only human and it’s extremely difficult.
Being a mom is the most wonderful thing in the world but where is the instruction manual? How do I know how to feel majority of the time? Am I doing ok? Who knows, all I know is every mom is different and you learn things in your own time, your own way. 
I have cried a lot, on the days where Hope won’t let me put her down and she’s not stopped crying for three hours straight, I cried with her. Not because I’m sad or because I’m doing a bad job, but because I’m tired and my hormones are intensified by 100 and that’s normal and it’s ok to feel like this. The hardest part for me was when Lewis went back to work. Having a baby during a lockdown was hard, Lewis was furloughed and had got a Tempory job elsewhere for some extra money, this meaning he was only aloud to have a week off. I cried that day too, the day Lewis went back to work, there I was in the house by myself with a newborn baby. It was like I just forget everything I knew and had a mini panic about it all. I was fine after a few hours but I won’t lie and say it was good because those first few weeks I had never felt more alone. 
It’s not a normal situation, I had family come and visit everyday, from outside looking in from the window because I wasn’t aloud to let anyone in. I couldn’t ask for support. All I wanted was for my mom to come round for a couple of hours a day while I took a nap, or a shower or ate some food. But no, it was just me and Hope. 
It’s wasn’t all negative though, for you to remain strong in such difficult times you have to see the positives and that is what I tried to do, focus on the positives. I had this beautiful baby girl all to myself so I took full advantage of it, she slept on my chest for most of the day everyday, we started to form our own little routine and our bond was unbreakable. I suppose I’m kind of lucky really that I had all that extra time just me and her without having to share her with the rest of the world, that’s something we will always share! 
My main point is you’re not supposed to know everything, it’s perfectly normal to have bad days and feel a little lost. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Being a mom changes you as a person and allows you to the view the world in a new way. If you’re struggling ask for help, even if it’s something minor. There are so many moms out there who probably feel the exact same way but are just too afraid to ask! I joined a couple of private mom groups on Facebook and it was the best help. I was able to ask anything and feel so happy when other moms commented with the same problem, made me feel normal and not so ridiculous for asking. 

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After birth

Ok so if you’re Squeamish then I recommend not reading any further as I am about to discuss the ins and outs of after birth, you know all the nice things that no one warns you about 😒

So if you’ve read my labour blog then you’ll know about my surgery. I had a spinal block so for a good 4-5 hours I was completely paralysed from the waist down. The one good thing about this is I felt no pain, I was completely numb to any pain, even when they took out my catheter I didn’t feel a thing (and I heard that can be painful). So when the feeling in my legs finally came back the midwife didn’t mess around and told me it was time to shower. Shower? Are you kidding me, I’d just given birth and under gone surgery and you want me to walk to the bathroom and shower! I thought the woman had gone mad but no there she was rummaging through my suitcase for my fresh clothes and toiletries. I pulled back the covers and too my horror all I saw was blood, sorry if that’s gross but it’s the ugly truth there was a lot of blood. I had leaked through the pad and the bedding and still the midwife was forcing me up. She walked me to the bathroom as I was trying to hold on to any remaining dignity I had left (I don’t think I had any left at this point). So there I was standing naked in the bathroom on my own nervously about to shower, I looked down to the floor and my god the blood was just pouring (sorry tmi I know) but it’s true, no one warned me this would happen so I was just having a panic that this was not normal and just accepted the fact I may just die of lack of blood. (A massive over reaction of course). I slowly and steadily got in the shower, avoided my lady parts as I’d just had surgery and was not ready to face that yet and then got back out. Took me a while to dry myself and get dressed, it’s not easy doing simple tasks as you are just so exhausted. I popped on a nursing bra (least attractive thing but most comfortable!) and my disposable knickers (life savers) and lets not forget the most important after birth item, the extra large pad and I mean it’s extremely big but trust me you’ll need it and about 100 more. I was in the hospital for less than a day and I changed that pad more than a handful of times! 

Then there’s the canular, in my case I had one in each hand, I had these in all day until finally they were taken out, which was very uncomfortable. I was covered in marks where I had been jabbed from helping with the placenta, pain relief during birth, Iv drip and the anti-D injection. By the end of the day I felt like a pin cushion!

 One thing that really shocked me after giving birth was a fair few hours later whilst on the ward I was having pains in my stomach and I looked down to see my belly moving, yes moving like there was something inside, me being me sat there wondering if there was another baby in there, there definitely wasn’t but the way my belly was moving there could have been! After wards I realised it was just my organs slowly moving back down in to place, makes more sense than another baby 🙈.

 Day 1 after birth: ok so this wasn’t that bad surprisingly. I was on antibiotics for my stitches, taking pain relief and could barely walk but it was manageable. Breastfeeding was a disaster, I feel like because we were in lockdown support for breastfeeding that you would usually receive just wasn’t there and I was heartbroken to not breast feed but without that help I just couldn’t do it, Hope wouldn’t latch and she just kept screaming at me when I tried so I ended up giving her some formula and I haven’t looked back since. 

Day 2: this was bad, I was still bleeding like I was dying, the pain had increased, it was excruciating to sit down, it hurt to try and do pretty much anything, my boobs ached and were leaking like crazy and I don’t think I’d ever been so tired in my whole entire life. Oh and let’s not forget I still had a baby bump that I didn’t realise stayed with me a while. 

Day 3: was probably the worst. My hormones were like crazy. I cried over nothing but it needed to come out, my emotions were just everywhere and the pain down below was awful. Siting was definitely hard work, I had to sit on about three cushions and slowly steady myself down in to a some what comfy position. By this point I needed my mom, don’t get me wrong Lewis was incredible, he took to fatherhood so naturally (I knew he would) but it wasn’t easy on him trying to look after me and a newborn. I wanted my mom to give me a hug, run me a bath and wash my hair, help me to walk and get dressed and just sit with me while I sobbed. This was the most difficult of being in lockdown, not having the support from the people closest.

Day 4: I’d like to say it got better but it really didn’t. The pain was still bad, my back felt broken, I had headaches, sore boobs which were still just pouring out milk, I struggling just doing everyday tasks. My feet were the size of my head, those and my ankles blew up massively, which just caused me even more pain 😩. 

For me personally I found the after birth worse than the actual birth because it lasts a lot longer and you just don’t know what to expect. There are so many programmes that show women giving birth and what that’s like but where is the programmes that gives you a heads up for what comes after? I didn’t feel like me anymore and this lasted a while, I think I finally started getting back to somewhat normal at around week 5/6, by this point the bleeding had stopped, my lady parts were healed (mostly) and the water weight seemed to have gone. I got my first period at week 8 and it only lasted 4 days (bonus). 

After birth it hard but it’s all part of the process and it just remember it doesn’t last forever! 

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Labour in lockdown

I had a birth plan. This birth plan was made in the first two months. I wanted to have my baby at the midwife led hospital and I wanted a waterbirth with no pain relief. Not one of these things happened. The midwife led unit closed due to Covid-19 and they had stopped all water births, so there it was my perfect birth gone, I was definitely disappointed but considering the circumstances I understood why. 

Having a baby at anytime is hard

, whether your baby was planned or not the arrival of a baby is hard for anyone, now imagine having a baby in the middle of a global pandemic and the country being in lockdown because this is exactly what happened to me. 

Labour, well... this will be something I will never ever ever forget. I always thought I’d go in to labour by randomly standing or sitting and having a big gush of water come out, think I had watched too many films! Well this didn’t happen although I did go in to labour naturally. I was 6 days over due. I was the size of a house and the most uncomfortable I had ever been, I just wanted this baby out so desperately. I woke up on the Monday morning and noticed a drop in my bump, it was low, like really low. I had braxton hicks all day and I was sick. By the evening time they were no longer braxton hicks but contractions, mild contractions. I remember thinking to myself “these are contractions pffft what does everyone moan about these aren’t that bad” oh how I was so wrong. As the night progressed so did those contractions, so so painful, Lewis drove me to the hospital but wasn’t aloud to come in with me so going alone was definitely difficult for us both. I was checked over but only 1-2cm dilated so I was sent straight back home. The next morning I saw the midwife and she checked my cervix, I was now 3-4cm dilated. By 5pm the pain was unbearable and coming fast, back down to the hospital I went and to my horror I was still only 3-4cm. Oh how I cried having been sent home AGAIN. It was only three hours later and I had to go back, the pain was indescribable. Lewis waited in the car and I was checked over again. YES! Finally I had made it to 5cm, this meant I could go to the delivery ward and finally be with Lewis. I rang him crying to tell him the news. He collected the bags and off we went.

At this point I was in horrendous amounts of pain but I couldn’t hide my excitement, we were going to meet our baby girl soon! The midwife explained to Lewis that now he had entered the room he could not leave at any point and if he was too leave he would not be able to return. Other than that and the fact all staff were wearing masks it was pretty normal. 

I tried the gas and air and I’m not sure what the big deal is with it, I absolutely hated it! Made me feel sick and dizzy and just wasn’t for me. I’ve watched many one born every minute episodes and had high expectations when it came to the gas and air, it seemed to help those women out but me nope! So instead I was offered other pain relief which I turned down. Know for all you women that have had babies you must be thinking I’m crazy giving birth with no pain relief but hear me out. My hospital was shut and I wasn’t aloud the water birth so the no pain relief was the only thing I had left on my birth plan that I could control so I gave it my best go but my goodness the pain......

Hours went by and I was struggling, I hadn’t slept since Sunday night and at this point it was Early hours of Wednesday morning, the pain was keeping me awake. I had drank a lot of water because those contractions are hard work and I was super thirsty. The bad thing was I couldn’t wee, I had tried to and because of the pain I just couldn’t wee so unfortunately for me the midwife had to force it out, she placed a straw in my urethra and it just happened, I was just lying on the bed urinating through a straw in to a bed pan, madness. 

The midwife checked me and I was 8cm so she offered me pain relief, I was reluctant but Lewis convinced me to have some for my own sanity. So I managed to 8cm with no pain relief and that is an achievement to me! The nurse came in jabbed me in my leg with some pethadine and anti sickness and that was that. Did it take the pain away? definitely not, did it ease it? Slightly, I felt like it just made me even more tired than I already was which just wasn’t what I needed.

About 1-2 hours after having the pethadine the midwife turned me on to my left side and I noticed there was quite a few people in the room, doctors and more midwifes. I was pretty out of it but Lewis told me afterwards that mine and babies heart rate wasn’t doing so well and they nearly took me in for an emergency c-Section but luckily that didn’t happen. Not long after my body started to push, it was the most bizarre feeling I had ever felt. I had no control over it what so ever, my body was just trying to push the baby out. I begged the midwife to let me lay on my back as I was so uncomfortable on my left and it didn’t feel right pushing in that position, she reluctantly agreed. 

Then the pushing began, wow that was hard work, every time I had a contraction I had to pull my legs to my chest and push in to my bottom and not just for a quick few seconds but for as long as possible, I swear at one point it was close to a minute! I couldn’t physically hold my legs up as I had zero energy so Lewis took over for me and encouraged me to keep going! I remember the midwife keep asking me if I could feel the ring of fire and I was like “no I don’t feel it”. She could see some of the baby’s head but said it could take a while for her to come out, she was wrong. The next contraction I pushed like my life depended on it, I gave it everything I had used up what little energy I had remaining. It worked however, instead of pushing her head out, then shoulders and doing the soft blows that you’re meant to do I pushed her out all in one go. Yes that’s right I pushed my baby out in one, she literally flew out and the midwife had to catch her, she was not expecting her to be born yet. Unfortunately due to my actions I ended up with a third degree tear (ouch). I sat up and looked down to see my baby born, she had two lots of cord wrapped around her neck and I felt sick to my stomach, sheer panic hit me and I said “is she ok?”. They whipped the cord off super quick and within a second I heard that cry. That magic sounding cry. That cry is what you wait for, all that pregnancy and labour led up to the very moment you hear your baby cry for the first time. That relief was unreal they placed her on my chest and I felt whole. I did it, I was finally a mom. That’s all I have ever wanted, she’s been in my life for three whole months now and I still pinch myself that she’s mine. It’s definitely true what they say as soon as you see your baby for the first time that pain just disappears in an instance.

Tears were streaming and I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, I looked over at Lewis and he was sobbing and smiling and I’ve never seen him look more content. This was it, our own little family. 

A lot of it after that was a bit of a blur, I was jabbed in my leg with no warning and next thing I knew I was being told to push again and poof, out came the placenta. I’ve got to say though once that placenta was out I felt so much more comfortable! I had about three different people looking at my lady parts and fiddling around, to then be told I had a third degree tear and I’d need to have a spinal block and surgery. Are you serious? A spinal block? So after I went through most of my labour with no pain relief I had to have a spinal block anyway, as you can imagine I was not impressed. The only good thing about this was I managed to nap on the theatre table 🙈.

So before heading to surgery I had a go at breast feeding and then they weighed her. To all of our surprise she was only 6lb10oz. Now if you had seen the size of me you’d understand the shock I was expecting her to be at least 8lb! I had to sign some forms for surgery and then off I went leaving Lewis with our newborn baby. 

I was in surgery for about an hour and a half, being paralysed from the waist down is something I don’t want to have to experience again, not being in control of my body was scary. 

Now this is where it got tough, I was wheeled out of surgery and handed my baby girl, Lewis was walking behind us, the midwife said “he’s got to go home now” and wheeled me on to the recovery ward. I cried, a lot. I was lying on the bed paralysed, with a newborn baby in the hospital on my own. All I wanted was to be with Lewis, for him to be with his daughter and to help me when I needed it but thanks to this stupid virus that just wasn’t possible. It was really lonely in that hospital on my own, I was a first time mom and I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I spent the whole day with her lay on my chest, my eyes never left her. I was like a zombie at this point and hadn’t slept for three days but all I wanted to do was stare at her. (I still do this now) Luckily I was discharged the same day and reunited with Lewis, we headed home to start our new life together as a family of three and what an incredible journey it has been. 

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Pregnancy

I loved being pregnant but I also hated being pregnant. It’s a weird one really, your full of joy as you carry around this little life inside of you feeling them kick and wriggle but you’re also scared half to death because you can’t see them, so how do you really know that they are ok?

Month one: well the first month you’re oblivious that you’re even pregnant. I think I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks so the first month is kinda irrelevant 🤷🏻‍♀️

Month two: morning sickness. Lucky for me I barely had any, I was sick when I hit week 6 and less than a hand full of times after that. My sleeping wasn’t great as I was up in the night at least twice for a wee 🙈. I had the first ultrasound at week 6, this was something I’ll always remember because it’s the first time I ever saw my baby and that flickering heartbeat. As a paranoid momma I had another private scan at week 8 and a half, this was purely for my own sanity though, if you read my other blog you’ll understand why. This was a great scan because this is when I heard that beautiful sound, that strong beating heart! I got it recorded and placed in to a bear 🐻 there’s something so comforting about hearing that sound. This was the month I had my first ever midwife appointment, this was something I was super excited about! It was pretty boring if I’m honest, I literally just had to sit and answer some health questions and have my bloods taken.

Month three: I’m not sure why but the lead up to the 12 week scan was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. I was full of worry that something was gonna go wrong or that my baby wouldn’t be ok. I made my self actually sick, not purposely but the stress and anxiety did. Lucky for me I had Lewis with me the whole time making me forget all my worries, he’s the best. I walked in to that scan room put on a false smile crossing my fingers as I lay on that chair. It only took a few seconds after placing the Doppler on my stomach and there she was, my precious baby, so perfect, heartbeat strong and legs kicking away. Oh what a moment that was seeing her kick, was so strange to see yet I couldn’t feel it.

Month four: this was when my coccyx pain started, oh the pain was just awful. I work in a nursery so I spend a lot of time on the floor which when pregnant isn’t really ideal. I’d sit down and struggle to get comfortable but I just couldn’t get back up. I brought a 9ft pregnancy pillow to help me sleep at night it was amazing, don’t think Lewis was too impressed though as it took up half of the bed! Second midwife appointment and this one was more interesting, I got to hear the heartbeat which was just as amazing as when I heard it the first time. I got my blood results back and just my luck I had a rare blood type was told I would have to have an injection at 28weeks. This was called an anti-D injection, it’s incase the baby’s blood group is different to mine. If it is then basically without the injection my body would end up rejecting my next pregnancy so super important injection!

Month five: had a slight scare at week 17, had a bruise like pain in the side of my bump and as you can imagine I just went in to panic mode. I rang the doctors and got an out of hours appointment, the doctor was lovely, she referred me to the hospital just to be on the safe side. The hospital did some checks and listened in for the heartbeat. This took foreverrrrrrr, the doctor couldn’t find it and I was close to tears and then all of a sudden there it was, that beautiful sound! The next day the pain had gone and all was fine! The best thing about this month was the 20 week scan. We fought back and forth about if we were going to find out the gender. I hate surprises and I was desperate to know but Lewis was the opposite and didn’t want to know so we agreed we wouldn’t find out. We arrived at the hospital and was given a slip of paper asking if we wanted to know the gender or not, I told Lewis it was his choice and I’d be happy with his decision, of course Lewis couldn’t make a decision so decided to flip a coin. It landed on heads which meant we were going to find out. Headed in to the scan baby had a full MOT and was perfectly healthy! Oh but what happened? Baby had their legs crossed so there I was doing star jumps and wiggling my belly, luckily they moved, I looked at Lewis anxiously waiting to hear what our miracle was going to be. I remember looking at the screen and the lady said “congratulations you’re having little princess” I burst into tears (happy tears) and turned to Lewis who was also in tears, it was such an intimate moment that I’m glad we got to share together! Also this was the first time I got to feel baby move, she was super strong because Lewis could feel her too! I loved that he was able to feel her so soon, you’ll always remember that first kick it’s just the best feeling!

Month 6: nothing interesting really happened in this month if I’m honest. Had another midwife appointment, heard that lovely heartbeat! Oh and the movements were so strong now you could see her moving from the outside!

Month 7: this was a good month, I had a 4D scan done which baby girl did not cooperate with, it took four different attempts on four different days to get her to not hide her face. But when she did move her hands, what a beautiful baby girl we saw, little button nose and tiny lips, she couldn’t have been any more perfect. Of course I purchased all photos and a key ring just as a nice keepsake 🙈. This was also the month I had the anti-D injection. That needle was big however, wasn’t as painful as I had imagined, thankfully. This month was also wonderful because I had my baby shower, now I was extremely lucky because I was able to have a normal baby shower as this was back in February before coronavirus got bad and lockdown happened. All my close family and friends showed up and I had the best day, baby girl was spoilt rotten and we received some beautiful gifts! A week alter I had reduced moments so headed to the hospital to get checked thankfully all was fine and baby was just having a quieter day! (If you ever have any reduced movements or just a feeling that something’s not right please go and get checked, majority of the time everything’s fine but it’s just not worth the risk)

Month 8: this is where things got a bit more difficult. I was really looking forward to my maternity leave, I had so many things arranged and planned out and was counting down the days! Two weeks before maternity I received a call to say my hospital was no longer open and I wouldn’t be able to give birth there anymore, I was devastated, the hospital was midwife led and was just so lovely but unfortunately because of COVID-19 they shut. Then COVID-19 got worse and panic began to set in, I had to take my maternity leave a week early and my first day on maternity guess what happened? We went in to the lockdown. Are you joking me? So all those plans were no more and I had to sit and stare at the same four walls patiently awaiting my baby girls arrival.

Month nine: I was on maternity leave for 4 whole weeks before baby decided to make an appearance. Do you know how bored and isolating it was to be in lockdown on my own (Lewis was working still) and not get to enjoy the first few weeks before she arrived. I was so bored that I started making tick tocks, heavily pregnant dancing around the living room to “baby mama”. I was huge and I mean huge at this point, I had that penguin waddle and struggling to get up. I hit my due date and nothing not even a sign of baby coming. I tried everything, long walks, curry, sex, nipple stimulation, exercise ball you name it I tried it and nothing. I finally went in to labour at 40 weeks and 6 days and had my baby girl at 41 weeks and 1 day.

9 months may seem like a long time but I swear my pregnancy flew by! Take it all in because you’ll miss it once they’re hear, don’t get me wrong I love cuddling and playing with Hope but I miss her in my tummy and feeling her kick, that was a special bond and experience no one but you gets to have. Once they’re here you have to share them with the world and that can be scary!

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My Miscarriage Story

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom and have my own little family. I met my fiancé 7 years ago, he’s literally the most amazing person and my best friend! We decided to start trying for a baby at the start of 2018. I think I was quite naive in thinking it would be super easy and I’d get pregnant straight away, however this just wasn’t the case at all. It took us 13 months to conceive and my goodness what a long 13 months it was! 

The first few months wasn’t so bad, I’d take a test it would be negative and then before I knew it Mother Nature would arrive, it was around month 4 I started obsessing and this became worse as the months went on. By obsessing I mean I would test way too early and way too much, honestly the amount of money wasted on peeing on sticks is not even worth thinking about 🙈 

9 months in and I was getting frustrated, by this point my two best friends had gotten pregnant and it took them both only 3months to conceive their babies so of course the panic began to set in, “why can’t I get pregnant?”, “is there something wrong with me?” So many things were going through my head. This was hard because I was super happy my besties were having babies but super jealous that I wasn’t and I couldn’t share this experience with them. Each month was more negatives, more tears and more heartbreak until FINALLY 13 months in and I got that two lined positive!

I can’t even begin to tell you what that moment felt like, I woke up in the morning peed on the stick as normal and left it on the side whilst I washed my hands. I remember thinking “it’ll be negative again I’m sure”. I turned the test over and looked back at it twice before it fully sank in that there were two lines, this was the happiest I think id ever felt, my heart was racing, tears streaming down my face, pretty sure I was close to a panic attack. I ran in to the bedroom screaming at Lewis as I just couldn’t contain my excitement, poor Lewis had no idea what was going on and I scared him half to death (it was about half 5 in the morning and he was fast asleep 🙈) I remember seeing the smile on his face, I’ll never forget that smile, and we just hugged for a while, it was just the perfect moment! 

The next day I tested again you know just to make sure and there it was again those magic two lines and that was that I didn’t take any more tests and enjoyed the happy pregnant bubble that I was in. 

Over a week later I headed to my sisters in Portsmouth for a short break away. We hadn’t told anyone we were expecting and decided to keep it a secret until I was further along. We spoke about it a lot though between us, the baby was due in December so we got all excited about having a baby at Christmas time and where we were going to spend it etc. 

Then the worst happened. It was Sunday morning, early hours and I woke up to cramps in my stomach, I didn’t think much of it at the time and just got up to go for a wee. This was the exact moment my world shattered, I sat on the toilet and all I saw was blood, not just a little bit but a lot. I started shaking, it was at that moment that I new I had lost my baby, it was as though I felt them slip away, I was no longer a mom anymore. I cleaned myself up and got back in to bed and I sobbed.

Lewis turned over and asked what was wrong and I told him I thought I was losing the baby, he got up and comforted me and we decided to go the hospital to check. At this point we had woken my sister and we had to break the news to her. Me and Lewis headed to the hospital, I don’t think I had stopped crying, it was like my eyes were a tap that couldn’t be turned off. We arrived at the hospital and I explained to the receptionist what was happening, I was given some paper work and told to wait in the seating area. I wasn’t sat there long but it felt like a lifetime. I got called in to assessment and I was made to feel unimportant, like my baby was unimportant because I was so early in the pregnancy. The women were rude and made me feel 100% worse than I already did. I feel that if you are at a certain point in pregnancy, the early stages that you don’t matter, that your baby does not matter and this is so unfair and something needs to be done about this as all babies lives matter no matter what gestation they are! 

Anyway…. I had my bloods taken and was told I’d have a phone call within a few hours, I couldn’t stay in Portsmouth I needed to go home and be in my own environment. By the time I got home it was the afternoon, I still had no phone call and was waiting anxiously for that call that never seemed to come. And then it came, every pregnant woman’s worst fears. I remember hearing the words “I’m so sorry but you’ve having a miscarriage” a miscarriage? The thought had never even crossed my mind when I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy that I just assumed it would never happen to me, oh how I was wrong.

Hearing those words broke me, not just mentally but physically broke me. I had a week of work, panic attacks, I couldn’t eat and I could barely walk. All my dreams had came true and then taken away from me all in such a small time. Why me? How is this happening? Why could my body not carry our child? Did I fail? I asked myself so many questions and yet didn’t seem to be able to find any of the right answers. Lucky for me I had the best support system there is, Lewis. 

Now baring in mind he was grieving too, he had too lost a child but he put all of his feelings aside to help pick me back up which I don’t think I could have done on my own and I’ll be forever grateful to him. He put my needs before his own and when he had mended me, it was my turn to mend him. The next month arrived and it was test time again, and again there they were, those two little lines. Was I excited? No. Was I scared? Definitely. I told Lewis and of course he had his reservations as did I, it was hard to get excited about something you might lose again. A few days later I started spotting small amounts of blood, panic set in. I phoned the doctor and he got me straight in for bloods and a scan. Again this wasn’t the best experience, the nurses at the hospital were rude and made me feel rubbish, they couldn’t see anything on the scan and said they’d call with my blood results. I headed in to work as normal worrying about when they would phone. Ring ring …. there it was I answered, we spoke and for the second time the worst happened “I’m so sorry but you’re having a miscarriage” my heart stopped for a brief second. Again? Surely not, this can’t happen to me again so soon, now I was seriously questioning what was wrong with me. I cried and quickly pulled myself together, me and Lewis went out for a meal and decided it was time to take a break from trying to conceive. This was hard. Really hard. But for our own sanity it needed to be done. 

The next month came and no testing and then Mother Nature came. It was sad but I think it’s what my body needed to help recover. One month later, still not trying I had this strange feeling. I thought to myself, I think I’m pregnant. I had a few dreams of being pregnant along with nausea and headaches oh and a missed period! So August 3rd 2019 18 months after trying to conceive it happened, there they were. Those two little lines. 

Now don’t get me wrong I was happy but I was also petrified. I was so scared of getting my hopes up but I had to just keep remembering “different pregnancy, different outcome”. I told Lewis, again he was happy but scared. ‘We went for a private scan at 6 weeks as there was no way I could wait! We sat in the waiting area and I was rocking back and forth, hands were clammy and I felt sick with worry. They called us in and off we went. They turned the screen off so we couldn’t see whilst they had a look, I just kept thinking the worst and then she turned on the screen and to my surprise there she was my little ray of Hope, heartbeat strong and flickering away! 

Oh the joy that came rushing in the tears that followed! This was what we had waited for, after that I was still nervous every day of my pregnancy, I’d check my pants for blood every chance I got. I’ll always remember that first kick and finding out we were having a girl! Experiencing a loss at any gestation is hard and this has a huge impact on future pregnancies.

I loved being pregnant with my rainbow baby but I feel after having my losses it kind of took some of the joy away and added a lot of worry, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my two angels but I know they are now looking down and protecting there sibling on earth! 

That third pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a health baby girl Hope Violet 💜

Never give up! 

After every storm there is a rainbow of Hope 🌈

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Motherhood

Becoming a first time mom has most definitely had its up and downs. I feel like before becoming a parent you have so many expectations of what you think it will be like or how you will behave but in reality once that beautiful tiny human enters the world it all changes. I admit I was one of those pregnant women that said things like “I won’t be giving my child a dummy” and “I won’t hold them all day they’ll need to learn to be put down”. Now as you can probably guess both of these things went straight out the window and quite frankly I could not care less.

No one should ever judge another persons way of parenting, were all different and theres no right or wrong on if you want to give your child a dummy or not. I personally would prefer to not have my child scream at me if she happily takes comfort from her dummy, its not hurting anyone and it makes her happy so that’s enough convincing for me. Its the weirdest feeling, holding your baby for the first time, you get this massive rush of love, a feeling never felt before, a feeling you didn’t even know existed, and in that exact moment I felt my life had meaning, my life had a purpose and I was meant to be a mom. My daughter is my greatest achievement, she makes me want to do better and be the best version of myself so that she can be the best version of herself. This tiny person now relies on me to survive so I’ve got to step up and make sure I am doing the best I can. 

My biggest piece of advice for any mom to be would be:capture every moment,hold your baby for as long as you can,take them all in as they won’t ever be that small again,smell them (newborn scent is the most magical smell) remember how lucky you are to have the gift of motherhood and never take any moment for granted because trust me, you blink and they’ve grown up!

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