It’s ok to not be ok

It’s perfectly normal to not love every second of parenthood because my goodness you’re only human and it’s extremely difficult.
Being a mom is the most wonderful thing in the world but where is the instruction manual? How do I know how to feel majority of the time? Am I doing ok? Who knows, all I know is every mom is different and you learn things in your own time, your own way. 
I have cried a lot, on the days where Hope won’t let me put her down and she’s not stopped crying for three hours straight, I cried with her. Not because I’m sad or because I’m doing a bad job, but because I’m tired and my hormones are intensified by 100 and that’s normal and it’s ok to feel like this. The hardest part for me was when Lewis went back to work. Having a baby during a lockdown was hard, Lewis was furloughed and had got a Tempory job elsewhere for some extra money, this meaning he was only aloud to have a week off. I cried that day too, the day Lewis went back to work, there I was in the house by myself with a newborn baby. It was like I just forget everything I knew and had a mini panic about it all. I was fine after a few hours but I won’t lie and say it was good because those first few weeks I had never felt more alone. 
It’s not a normal situation, I had family come and visit everyday, from outside looking in from the window because I wasn’t aloud to let anyone in. I couldn’t ask for support. All I wanted was for my mom to come round for a couple of hours a day while I took a nap, or a shower or ate some food. But no, it was just me and Hope. 
It’s wasn’t all negative though, for you to remain strong in such difficult times you have to see the positives and that is what I tried to do, focus on the positives. I had this beautiful baby girl all to myself so I took full advantage of it, she slept on my chest for most of the day everyday, we started to form our own little routine and our bond was unbreakable. I suppose I’m kind of lucky really that I had all that extra time just me and her without having to share her with the rest of the world, that’s something we will always share! 
My main point is you’re not supposed to know everything, it’s perfectly normal to have bad days and feel a little lost. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Being a mom changes you as a person and allows you to the view the world in a new way. If you’re struggling ask for help, even if it’s something minor. There are so many moms out there who probably feel the exact same way but are just too afraid to ask! I joined a couple of private mom groups on Facebook and it was the best help. I was able to ask anything and feel so happy when other moms commented with the same problem, made me feel normal and not so ridiculous for asking.