The first few months wasn’t so bad, I’d take a test it would be negative and then before I knew it Mother Nature would arrive, it was around month 4 I started obsessing and this became worse as the months went on. By obsessing I mean I would test way too early and way too much, honestly the amount of money wasted on peeing on sticks is not even worth thinking about 🙈
9 months in and I was getting frustrated, by this point my two best friends had gotten pregnant and it took them both only 3months to conceive their babies so of course the panic began to set in, “why can’t I get pregnant?”, “is there something wrong with me?” So many things were going through my head. This was hard because I was super happy my besties were having babies but super jealous that I wasn’t and I couldn’t share this experience with them. Each month was more negatives, more tears and more heartbreak until FINALLY 13 months in and I got that two lined positive!
I can’t even begin to tell you what that moment felt like, I woke up in the morning peed on the stick as normal and left it on the side whilst I washed my hands. I remember thinking “it’ll be negative again I’m sure”. I turned the test over and looked back at it twice before it fully sank in that there were two lines, this was the happiest I think id ever felt, my heart was racing, tears streaming down my face, pretty sure I was close to a panic attack. I ran in to the bedroom screaming at Lewis as I just couldn’t contain my excitement, poor Lewis had no idea what was going on and I scared him half to death (it was about half 5 in the morning and he was fast asleep 🙈) I remember seeing the smile on his face, I’ll never forget that smile, and we just hugged for a while, it was just the perfect moment!
The next day I tested again you know just to make sure and there it was again those magic two lines and that was that I didn’t take any more tests and enjoyed the happy pregnant bubble that I was in.
Over a week later I headed to my sisters in Portsmouth for a short break away. We hadn’t told anyone we were expecting and decided to keep it a secret until I was further along. We spoke about it a lot though between us, the baby was due in December so we got all excited about having a baby at Christmas time and where we were going to spend it etc.
Then the worst happened. It was Sunday morning, early hours and I woke up to cramps in my stomach, I didn’t think much of it at the time and just got up to go for a wee. This was the exact moment my world shattered, I sat on the toilet and all I saw was blood, not just a little bit but a lot. I started shaking, it was at that moment that I new I had lost my baby, it was as though I felt them slip away, I was no longer a mom anymore. I cleaned myself up and got back in to bed and I sobbed.
Lewis turned over and asked what was wrong and I told him I thought I was losing the baby, he got up and comforted me and we decided to go the hospital to check. At this point we had woken my sister and we had to break the news to her. Me and Lewis headed to the hospital, I don’t think I had stopped crying, it was like my eyes were a tap that couldn’t be turned off. We arrived at the hospital and I explained to the receptionist what was happening, I was given some paper work and told to wait in the seating area. I wasn’t sat there long but it felt like a lifetime. I got called in to assessment and I was made to feel unimportant, like my baby was unimportant because I was so early in the pregnancy. The women were rude and made me feel 100% worse than I already did. I feel that if you are at a certain point in pregnancy, the early stages that you don’t matter, that your baby does not matter and this is so unfair and something needs to be done about this as all babies lives matter no matter what gestation they are!
Anyway…. I had my bloods taken and was told I’d have a phone call within a few hours, I couldn’t stay in Portsmouth I needed to go home and be in my own environment. By the time I got home it was the afternoon, I still had no phone call and was waiting anxiously for that call that never seemed to come. And then it came, every pregnant woman’s worst fears. I remember hearing the words “I’m so sorry but you’ve having a miscarriage” a miscarriage? The thought had never even crossed my mind when I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy that I just assumed it would never happen to me, oh how I was wrong.
Hearing those words broke me, not just mentally but physically broke me. I had a week of work, panic attacks, I couldn’t eat and I could barely walk. All my dreams had came true and then taken away from me all in such a small time. Why me? How is this happening? Why could my body not carry our child? Did I fail? I asked myself so many questions and yet didn’t seem to be able to find any of the right answers. Lucky for me I had the best support system there is, Lewis.
Now baring in mind he was grieving too, he had too lost a child but he put all of his feelings aside to help pick me back up which I don’t think I could have done on my own and I’ll be forever grateful to him. He put my needs before his own and when he had mended me, it was my turn to mend him. The next month arrived and it was test time again, and again there they were, those two little lines. Was I excited? No. Was I scared? Definitely. I told Lewis and of course he had his reservations as did I, it was hard to get excited about something you might lose again. A few days later I started spotting small amounts of blood, panic set in. I phoned the doctor and he got me straight in for bloods and a scan. Again this wasn’t the best experience, the nurses at the hospital were rude and made me feel rubbish, they couldn’t see anything on the scan and said they’d call with my blood results. I headed in to work as normal worrying about when they would phone. Ring ring …. there it was I answered, we spoke and for the second time the worst happened “I’m so sorry but you’re having a miscarriage” my heart stopped for a brief second. Again? Surely not, this can’t happen to me again so soon, now I was seriously questioning what was wrong with me. I cried and quickly pulled myself together, me and Lewis went out for a meal and decided it was time to take a break from trying to conceive. This was hard. Really hard. But for our own sanity it needed to be done.
The next month came and no testing and then Mother Nature came. It was sad but I think it’s what my body needed to help recover. One month later, still not trying I had this strange feeling. I thought to myself, I think I’m pregnant. I had a few dreams of being pregnant along with nausea and headaches oh and a missed period! So August 3rd 2019 18 months after trying to conceive it happened, there they were. Those two little lines.
Now don’t get me wrong I was happy but I was also petrified. I was so scared of getting my hopes up but I had to just keep remembering “different pregnancy, different outcome”. I told Lewis, again he was happy but scared. ‘We went for a private scan at 6 weeks as there was no way I could wait! We sat in the waiting area and I was rocking back and forth, hands were clammy and I felt sick with worry. They called us in and off we went. They turned the screen off so we couldn’t see whilst they had a look, I just kept thinking the worst and then she turned on the screen and to my surprise there she was my little ray of Hope, heartbeat strong and flickering away!
Oh the joy that came rushing in the tears that followed! This was what we had waited for, after that I was still nervous every day of my pregnancy, I’d check my pants for blood every chance I got. I’ll always remember that first kick and finding out we were having a girl! Experiencing a loss at any gestation is hard and this has a huge impact on future pregnancies.
I loved being pregnant with my rainbow baby but I feel after having my losses it kind of took some of the joy away and added a lot of worry, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my two angels but I know they are now looking down and protecting there sibling on earth!
That third pregnancy was successful and I gave birth to a health baby girl Hope Violet 💜
Never give up!
After every storm there is a rainbow of Hope 🌈
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